What is Self-Sabotage? Understanding the Invisible Force Holding You Back

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Have you ever felt like you’re standing in your own way? You set goals, full of excitement and intention, only to find yourself retreating, procrastinating, or somehow derailing your plans before they even get off the ground. You might tell yourself, “I’ll start tomorrow,” or blame it on circumstances, maybe you didn’t have enough time, money, or energy. But deep down, there’s a part of you that knows something bigger is at play.

This is self-sabotage.

And believe me, I know it well.

I’m 47 years old, married with two wonderful children, a lovely home, and a career many would consider successful. By all appearances, my life ticks all the boxes. But for years, I battled a silent war within myself, one I didn’t even fully understand. While I outwardly appeared capable and content, inwardly I questioned everything: am I good enough? Do I deserve this? Can I really have more? And every time I moved closer to something I wanted, that hidden voice would whisper, “Who are you kidding? This isn’t for you.”  

What Self-Sabotage Looks Like in Everyday Life

Self-sabotage doesn’t always wear a flashing neon sign. It disguises itself in small, everyday behaviours that seem harmless or even logical at first glance. Maybe it’s saying yes to something you don’t want to do because you fear disappointing someone. Perhaps it’s putting off an important task in favour of something mundane because the bigger thing feels overwhelming, or it’s convincing yourself that you’re too tired or too busy to begin.

It’s in our perfectionism, our procrastination, our excuses. It’s in the way we overcommit to others but under commit to ourselves. It shows itself when we binge-watch TV instead of working on a project we’re really excited about or when we give up on our goals altogether at the first sign of discomfort.

For years, I lived this cycle. I desperately wanted to grow a business and do meaningful work. I poured time and money into countless courses, certifications, and coaches, convinced I just needed to learn a bit more or get someone else’s strategy for success. But every time I made progress, I’d hit a hidden wall and tell myself a story about why it wasn’t worth pursuing. “This is too much,” or, “I’ve been overambitious,” I’d say. What I didn’t realise was that this wasn’t a rational decision; it was self-sabotage in its purest form.  I mistook the huge discomfort of change as stress and then found myself self-sabotaging to sooth the discomfort and ease the stress.  But we know what self-sabotage does - it keeps pulling us back to the familiar.  Keeps our life small and our goals diminished.    That is exactly what was happening to me for the best part of a decade. 

Why Self-Sabotage is so Hard to Escape

The frustrating truth about self-sabotage is that it often feels like it’s you making the choices. To the outside world, it might even look like that. But the truth is, these decisions aren’t being driven by your conscious mind—they’re coming from your subconscious.  You see, our subconscious mind is like a program, set early in life based on what we experienced, what we were told, and the beliefs we internalised as children. If you grew up feeling like you weren’t good enough, smart enough, or deserving enough, those beliefs get embedded into your subconscious and quietly guide your actions and while your conscious mind might have ambitious goals and dreams, your subconscious is working overtime to keep everything in line with that old programming.

For me, this programming showed up in a few key beliefs I wasn’t even aware I had until much later—“I’m not smart enough to run a business,” “I don’t deserve success,” and “People like me aren’t meant to be wealthy.” These whispers didn’t just drain my confidence; they stopped me in my tracks before I had a chance to move forward.

And here’s the kicker, the harder I tried to push through with sheer willpower, the stronger those subconscious beliefs fought back. Because willpower only works on the surface. To really move forward, you have to go deeper.

The First Step is Awareness

Self-sabotage thrives in the shadows. It feeds on your lack of awareness, convincing you that you’re just lazy, unmotivated, or not disciplined enough. But none of that is true. You’re not flawed. You’re not weak. You’re simply running on old programming that’s no longer serving you.

The moment I started to see this for what it was, everything began to shift. Self-awareness became my greatest tool. I started recognising my patterns, questioning the beliefs driving them, and, most importantly, showing myself grace.

That’s where you start—by becoming aware of your own tendencies toward self-sabotage. What stories do you tell yourself when you don’t follow through on a goal? How do you react when things feel hard or uncomfortable? Where do you tend to hold back in life?

This awareness opens the door to everything.

What Comes Next?

If this resonates with you, if you’ve caught glimpses of these patterns in your own life, then the good news is, you’ve already taken the first step. You’re becoming aware of the invisible force holding you back and now, it’s time to dig a little deeper.

Self-sabotage isn’t one-size-fits-all. The way it plays out in my life might look different from yours. That’s why understanding your unique patterns and subconscious drivers is so important. The more you uncover about your unique brand of self-sabotage, the easier it becomes to address it at its root and start rewriting your story.

Take the Next Step

To help you on this path, I’ve created a self-sabotage quiz designed to show you what’s really holding you back. It will help you identify your specific saboteur type and give you insights into the subconscious programming influencing your decisions.

This quiz isn’t about judgment; it’s about clarity and empowerment. Because you can’t change what you don’t see and this awareness is the first key to breaking free.

Click below to take the self-sabotage quiz and discover your saboteur type. You'll also get personalised strategies you can implement right away.

The life you’re meant to live is closer than you think. It’s time to find your power, reclaim your confidence, and take back control from the subconscious patterns that no longer serve you. You deserve it.

You’re ready. Take the quiz and see for yourself.

Take the Quiz